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Your marriage needs help. So where do you turn? Therapy and counseling can certainly help.
But it is not the only method to use -when trying to solve marital problems. There is another course of action available which may provide useful measures for you and your spouse to begin to resolve issues that seem to be intractable and that may have been going on for many years.
What people often don’t realize is that skills that help maintain a healthy and loving relationship during marriage can actually be taught. The difference between a marriage that lasts and one that doesn’t is generally the ability of the couple to get through this learning process.
Marital mediation (also called “mediation to stay married”) is a positive and practical approach. It deals with the here and now. Using the mediation process, it can empower couples to access the tools they need to “fix” things, rather than giving up on their marriage. Marriage is very precious, and sometimes a little help using the right means can solve problems that may be leading to divorce.
Everybody struggles with their marriage at times. It is always good to have another tool at your disposal when trying to alleviate marital conflict when other methods do not work.
Marital Mediation is a method of helping couples who are experiencing marital problems and who would prefer to stay together rather than get divorced. It uses standard mediation techniques to help a couple get through the most important issues facing them and can also empower them with the tools that enable them to relate to each other better in the future.
People often “jump the gun” when they are having marital problems. Their minds immediately go to the idea of divorce because they see and know of no other option. Couples can seek out Marital Mediation to try to solve the problems that may be causing their current incompatibility.
To start, the couple would seek the assistance of a trained mediator which is usually an attorney or mental health professional trained in mediation.
Marital Mediation does not seek to delve deeply into the past or into personal, psychological, or family systems issues facing the couple. Short-term dispute resolution techniques can provide noticeable help in breaking impasses and in improving the couple’s interpersonal communication skills. Sometimes riding a “new horse” gives a couple the extra push it needs to get over a difficult period and to move forward to the next step in their marriage.
“Marital mediation is truly a refreshing spin on mediation.”
Through Marital Mediation, the couple can develop successful communication techniques and a better understanding of their ongoing issues and disagreements. This can be very useful in dealing with future problems. During the work with the marital mediator, concrete plans of action can be formulated, and a better understanding of the couple’s personal styles of dealing with disagreements can go a long way toward helping to solve problems that may now seem unmanageable.
Sometimes a couple finds that marital therapy or marital counseling does not produce positive results for them, despite the skill of the marriage counselor or the integrity of the process. Marital mediation can be a viable alternative method, to increase mutual understanding and lead to more contentment in a marriage.
Marital therapy or marital counseling is performed by a range of professionals, mostly with training and background in mental health areas, such as social work and psychology. Marital counseling generally incorporates diagnosis, therapy and treatment of personality and relationship issues. The types of information gathered and used by a marital counselor might include family history, as well as personal and sexual history. Marital counselors are able to identify specific negative behaviors and symptoms of possible mental disorders and illnesses. They use that data as a basis for formulating their approach to use during counseling. In this way, a marital counselor will use their analytic skills to provide context for the parties and help them understand their behaviors, thereby, hopefully, alleviating marital conflict.
The approach of Marital Mediation is different. Mediation is dispute resolution. It tends not to go deeply into the back story, but addresses the here and now.
Marriages are filled with disputes, both large and small. When a couple has an unproductive manner of settling differences, usually by arguing, the marriage suffers. If this problem becomes intractable and pervasive, the marriage can fail. The amazing thing is that it is often the tiny, petty, little annoyances in a marriage that take the greatest toll on married couples and can lead to divorce. These are easily identified and resolved using marital mediation techniques.
The marital mediator works with a couple to help them resolve ongoing specific disputes and identify any negative recurring interactions. The emphasis is on analyzing the current interactions of the couple and training them to have a more productive style of communication thus a better chance of negotiating. The marital mediator is also able to notice disconnects and misunderstandings between the couple, even a couple who have been married for many years. These misunderstandings usually become evident within the first half hour of a Marital Mediation session!
Marital mediation is generally short-term in nature (usually 3 to 5 sessions), often producing rapid, demonstrable gains for a couple who at the onset are not getting along very well.
All marital mediators are trained in mediation techniques. Marital mediators with a legal background versus a psychological background have different strengths and approaches. If you work with an attorney as a marital mediator, although the attorney-mediator cannot give you legal advice, he or she can inform you about the law, including estate planning and divorce. If your marital issues are financial, having an attorney being part of the process can be very helpful. A marital mediator who has a psychological/counseling background will bring their set of special skills and training to the process. Either way, the important thing to keep in mind is that the professional is working with you as a mediator, and not as a therapist or an attorney.
Many marital problems (especially in more “mature” marriages) flow from financial disputes and real or perceived financial insecurities and feelings of lack of contribution to the marriage. Mediators who are practicing attorneys are often able to help analyze the couple’s finances, and help them fully understand the financial issues relating to their contributions to the marriage. The attorney/mediator can provide information on the couple’s planning and legal options, and can assist the couple in finding concrete solutions regarding these issues. It would be advisable to use an attorney /mediator who has a working knowledge in the following areas: divorce law, tax law, estate planning, business law, or a combination of these as your marital mediator, depending on what your individual financial issues may be.
Yes. Mediators who are psychotherapists and counselors can be extremely helpful in assisting couples in distress. For marital mediation, it is preferable that the mediator be experienced in divorce mediation. These mediators may also be conversant in the various financial issues that may face couples contemplating divorce. All mediators (attorneys and psychologists or counselors) will offer help in communication techniques.
Yes. Often couples do utilize Marital Mediation at the same time that they are going to marriage counseling. These approaches can work very well together. Marital Mediation is also helpful if one or the other of a couple is resistant to seeing a marital therapist. It is important to know about all the resources available for people struggling to improve their marriages. Just because the marital counseling approach didn’t work for you, it doesn’t mean that your marriage is necessarily over.
Yes! Many divorced couples who used the mediation approach for their divorces have said that had they known what they learned about conflict resolution in their divorce mediation while they were married, they would not have gotten divorced. As the Marital Mediation process unfolds, the couple learns to use new techniques to address conflict in their marriage. Hence, they will have another tool in their “marital toolbox” going forward.
Sometimes, but not always. Some couples would like a written memorialization (i.e., Postnuptial Agreement or a Memorandum of Understanding) of what they have agreed to in their marital mediation sessions. This can be a template for them going forward in their marriage. Some couples feel that their clearer understanding of each other, their marriage, and their conflicts (and how to resolve them) is enough and that a written agreement would be too intrusive.
Yes. Often people are completely unrealistic about divorce and what life after divorce will be like. There are two areas of misconception. One is that a divorce will solve all their problems. The other misconception is what the financial result of a divorce will be. Most divorcing couples have a highly unrealistic view on what their financial life will be like post-divorce based on misinformation. A reality check can be very helpful before a couple takes irrevocable steps toward divorce. Doing this reality check together with a mediator/attorney can help create peace in a way that may not result when each party separately consults with an attorney about a possible divorce.
Many professionals (therapists and attorneys) are now offering marital mediation. Because most mediation sessions are now conducted via Zoom, you will not be restricted geographically when choosing someone. to work with. Obviously, if you might prefer in-person mediation, then restrict your search to someone in your region.
The first step would be for you to decide whether you wish to work with a therapist/marital mediator or an attorney/marital mediator.
Because a marital mediator is often used to prevent divorce, it is probably best to conduct a search for a professional by using the term “divorce mediator” or “divorce mediation.” You might also look for articles on “marital mediators” or “mediation to stay married.” Adding the terms “collaborative divorce” or “collaborative law” can further refine your search for the right professional for you and your spouse to work with.
Laurie Israel began her practice of law as a tax lawyer over 35 years ago. She is admitted to the bar in the Commonwealth of Massachusetts, and is also admitted to practice in Federal courts, including the Supreme Court of the United States. She is a Martindale-Hubbell AV Preeminent Attorney®.
Over the years, her practice of estate planning and divorce led her to an interest and concentration in prenuptial agreements. She has become one of the preeminent national experts on prenuptial agreements, and has been a presenter to conferences on the topic of prenuptial agreements and mediating prenuptial agreements nationwide.
Laurie has written a comprehensive book on prenups, “The Generous Prenup: How to Support Your Marriage and Avoid the Pitfalls” (Amazon). This book was written with the laperson in mind, but is also used by attorneys and mediators as a comprehensive and fair-minded guide to this often thorny topic.
Laurie now confines her practice to prenuptial and postnuptial agreements. She helps people by mediating and consulting about prenups all over the country, as well as representing clients in Massachusetts.
To contact Laurie Israel, email her at laurie@laurieisrael.com, or use the contact page.